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If you ask me to show you God, I will point to the sun, or a tree, or a worm. But if you say, "You mean, then, that God is the sun, the tree, the worm, and all other things?" -- I shall have to say that you have missed the point entirely.
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| Um, I've many sad things to say lately. It's just that I'm finding it increasingly difficult to stay grounded in reality.
Because, well, I've been pretending lately.
Here are some early Christmas pictures from my early Christmas:
I missed Anathallo. I'm so glad for this new music.
In other news, I miss God. More on that later, I'm sure.
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| Suddenly felt buoyant today.
Then I was PISSED OFF for a minute.
But then I rediscovered the ability to pick out presents, and then I wrapped some presents, and I felt good again.
Mostly, I'm discovering the ways in which this friendship has been so damaging to my mental state. And I'm cutting out those parts that I've discovered. I fall about a hundred feet when you won't let me do this, when you bring it up again. And again. I'd much prefer to leave that part of you alone, but I fear to find there is nothing else.
But my heart was buoyant today, because I know who I am, and I know I'm not you.
A recent photo:
Yes, that is a cat in a tuxedo doing a dance. What you can't see is the print just below the cat which reads "Dog bless Americat." Priceless. And appropriate, as I was greeted by the smell of cat urine upon entering the building.
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| Oh, how I dread these moments when I want to say something, when I want only to blurt it all out.
And tonight, the strange thing was tonight I didn't know what to say. The door was open, the moment was there, and my head was empty.
I think for three days, I've been living it. I've been feeling it and not thinking about it, so that I had forgotten the words that I had previously assigned to it, the words that I had decided I would call on when the moment was right.
Here are the words.
I am unhappy. I don't feel good. I don't feel right, and I know why. No, I don't think I made a bad decision. I know I made the right decision, and now I'm facing the situation dead on because that's what I decided to do. It's just that I'd forgotten just how much there was to face, and I didn't think it would all come rushing in at once. I didn't think that every part of me would figure out what I had decided. I thought maybe my head could keep a secret from my heart.
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| It will never be enough
to say this is it
This is what I want
Because you will never believe
That I know enough
to know
what's best for me
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